Jumping In

I thought about waiting a few days before writing and publishing another post, but I decided I may as well just jump in and start.  One of the things I know about myself regarding anything is that I’ll go all out at the beginning, and then things just peter out as time goes on.  The passion disappears and I lose interest.  Sadly, that describes the relationships in my life as well.

When I started putting words down, I didn’t know what I would write about for this post.  But, I think based on the last sentence in the above paragraph, I have an idea.  As I may have mentioned in my first post, I’ve been married and divorced twice in my life.  I’m not proud of that fact.  In all honesty, neither marriage probably should have happened.  There were plenty of warning signs going into those weddings from both my side and the bride’s side.

Regardless, those things are the past, but it is a pattern that I’ve repeated time and time again.  A friend of mine once told me that I was afraid to be alone.  I thought she was full of shit, but I realize now that she was spot on.  I fantasize of being alone because that means I could do what and whoever I wanted to.  The reality is, I’d jump into the first relationship that came my way regardless of the consequences.

I’ve made some very bad decisions thanks to this fear of being alone.  I moved a woman halfway across the country to move in with me several years ago.  I drained by 401k to pay for it, only to realize that I didn’t like her all that much.  Not too long after she moved in with me did I start up with the woman who became my second wife.  I do feel a fair amount of remorse over that whole incident.  I uprooted this woman from her home and family to move in with me only to cast her out just a couple of months later.  Not my finest moment.

Even when I am in relationships, I seem to be looking for ways out.  It doesn’t matter how good they are, I just feel restless.  It sucks, and those that I’m with deserve better than that.  I think some of this is depression related.  For the most part, my depression is managed fairly well through Zoloft.  Since I’ve been on it, I haven’t had the debilitating darkness that I felt previously.  That’s not to say that every day is great, because it isn’t.  But, they are better than they once were.

I’m reaching the end of what I can spew out for today.  Overall, I’m happy with it and I hope you get something out of it, dear reader.  I’ll be back soon with something new.

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