A word of warning that this post will recall some childhood memories as they pertain to sex and sexuality. There will be no graphic content, but there will be descriptions of events as I remember them. I will state from the outset that there was no sexual abuse, or what I would categorize as sexual abuse. That said, I realize that talking about this may be triggering to some readers. If you feel that is the case, then I would suggest skipping this post.
When I think about who I am today and what my interests are from a sexual perspective, I can usually trace back decades to my childhood years and see things that helped to shape who I am. It is certainly true that our childhood experiences shape who we are as adults, whether those be good, bad, or indifferent. People with traumatic experiences as a child tend to struggle with those the rest of their lives. Abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, stays with a person and shapes how they react to life.
I feel that I had a normal childhood for the most part. My brother and I grew up in a stable environment. We were well provided for, had loving parents, all of that. Yes, my divorced when I was around 10, but my mom remarried within a couple of years and I had my step-dad in the picture.
I think one of the big differences in my childhood compared to others was the fact that my brother was a quadriplegic. He contracted Spinal Meningitis shortly after his second birthday in December of 1975, and was immediately hospitalized. I was four at the time of all of this. I do not remember much of the next three months as my parents spent large portions of time at the hospital sitting with my brother in the Intensive Care Unit. I vaguely remember a few things, mostly a rotating group of family friends coming by to watch me while my parents were away.
I’m not blaming my parents here for not being home with me. I don’t think I ever did. It made sense. One of their kids was likely going to die in the hospital, so they were spending all the time they could with him. One or other other both were also home every night to be with me. So, I was not neglected or passed off to other people.
One of the babysitters that came in was an elderly woman who lived in our basement. I know that sounds weird. The house my parents bought in 1973 (I think) had a basement apartment with this woman residing there. I think part of the agreement when we bought the house was that she could continue to rent the place from my parents. I do not know the specifics, but I do know that this woman kind of became part of the family. She was probably the primary person to watch me other than my mom and dad.
Anyway, she would watch me on a regular basis. One of the things I remember the most is that she wore stockings all the time. I remember rubbing her stocking clad legs and getting an erection on more than one occasion. I don’t think that anything went beyond that.
Around that same time, I would close myself in my room, strip out of clothes and read books. I have never been much of a fan of clothes in the privacy of my own space. The fewer the better. I do have some body image issues, so I’m not one to go around shirtless in public. But, that’s another piece I remember.
As I got older, I know that my desire to look at the naked human body grew stronger. I would try to find ways to play “doctor” with neighbors, although it never really happened. As I mentioned in a previous post, I would find porn magazines stashed away and would look through those.
I remember looking through the women’s underwear sections of the JC Penney and Sears catalogs and getting excited at those pictures. This was the early 1980’s at this point, and the underwear in those catalogs would be considered archaic these days. I think these reactions to those pictures helped to cement this fetish I have with women’s underwear to this day. That’s a topic for a whole ‘nother post.
Around the same time, my brother and I had a neighborhood teenage girl babysit us. It was more to watch my brother than me, but I was included in it all. I do remember on a couple of occasions her laying on the couch while I laid on top of her. We were both fully clothed, but I remember her rubbing my back and me resting my head on her breasts. I think she was around 17 and I was 11 or so. Looking back, it was inappropriate behavior, but I enjoyed it.
A couple of years later, one of her brothers was over watching us and I had my first experience with another boy. It was nothing beyond some kissing and exploration, but I do remember feeling a mixture of arousal and shame. We tried repeating it once, but I was uncomfortable, and it did not go anywhere.
Throughout my high school years, I felt oversexed, but only had one steady girlfriend. The furthest we ever got was kissing. I did not lose my virginity until I was a freshman in college at the age of 18, so in that regard I was a late bloomer.
I think that is it for today. Remembering these things was a fun trip down memory lane, and while I didn’t go into extreme detail, I think it is enough to get an idea of what that aspect of my childhood was like. I do think these events helped shape my outlook on sex and who I am today. It does not explain everything, but it does go into the basics. Thanks as always for reading. I’ll be back soon with another post.