So, I apologize in advance for this post. I have a whole bunch of thoughts in my head, and I have no idea where things are going. The good news is that for once, most of the thoughts rattling around aren’t negative! That’s a win in my book. I’m feeling a bit upbeat today, and that’s a nice feeling. What I must guard against, though, is getting too carried away on one hand, and not letting the negativity creep in on the other. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have this bad habit of feeling like I don’t deserve to be happy.
I’ve discovered that when I get too far out of balance in one direction or the other, I tend to suffer from lack of judgement in my actions. I either feel invincible or like I want to self destruct. It’s important to find the balance between. Looking back over my life, it seems like much of the trouble I’ve gotten myself into has been a result of being either too high or too low. There’s nothing wrong with being at either end of the spectrum, but caution should be exercised before making decisions.
Where I also get hung up is when I dwell on those bad decisions. I need to just let them go because rehashing them does nothing to make me feel better. What needs to happen is take the lesson from it, apply it, and move on. I think I’ve gotten a bit better with that recently, but it doesn’t take much for me to slip back into old and bad habits.
I have something else I want to write about, but I’m not sure that now is the right time. But, it is something that has been consuming my thoughts for the past several days. I suppose I will know when the time is right. The universe has a way of determining that, I think. So, perhaps I’ll leave you all scratching your heads at this and return to it when and if the time is right.
Another topic that has been rumbling in my head has been friendship. I may have mentioned it before, but I don’t have too many friends. I have a fair amount of acquaintances and colleagues, but few friends. This used to bother me quite a bit. These days, it’s only mildly annoying at times. Creating and maintaining friendships can be hard work. There is a lot of give and take involved. If I am being honest, the giving can be hard for me. I can be a selfish bastard at times, so I’m more than willing to take. This could be one reason why friendships are hard for me.
I think the other part is that I can be very withdrawn, especially when it comes to sharing my thoughts and feelings. I feel like a bit of a freak at times. I’ve talked about that in this blog already, and I’ve shared some of those feelings that might otherwise scare people away. Even though I feel emotionally dull much of the time, when I do express feelings, they are vivid and sharp. That might scare people away. When I do share, I overshare. Not everyone wants or needs to know that I’ve had sexual experiences with men or that I have a thing for women’s panties. You probably didn’t want or need to read that, either, but too bad!
I wonder what I do to “scare” people away. I often find people looking at me strangely or with contempt. I may be imagining all of that, and I probably am. But, I see others have easy conversation and I wonder why I don’t. Truth be told, most of the time that doesn’t bother me. I have a hard time with small talk. If I am going to have conversations with people, I want them to have some substance. I find that having deep emotional and philosophical type conversations is really something I enjoy. For someone who tends to have a hard time communicating, this is a bit of a surprise.
But there is something to figuratively stripping down to your core and sharing that with another person. It’s something I crave. You would think I’d be able to get that with my partner, but I have a hard time confiding in her. I seem to do better with people online. I don’t know what that means. I do want close friends, and I feel as if I am headed in that direction with someone that I’ve had a casual acquaintance with for awhile. We have yet to meet in person, and I’m nervous about that prospect. I want to meet her in person and I think it will be wonderful. But, the nerves are there. I am not worried about a repeat of my extortion experience, it’s more butterflies than anything else. I do think that it will be fine, even if we sit there in silence. The bond is there and growing, so that makes things a little easier.
Anyway, I think that is it for now. I’m finding that I’m enjoying these daily entries even as I write them on the fly. Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll see you next time.