I am a fucking idiot. There. I said it. Then again, I’ve been saying that for a good chunk of my life and it still hasn’t quite sunk in. Maybe some day it will and I’ll stop being an idiot.

Why am I an idiot? Well, I had a whole bunch of preconceived notions about my SO and our relationship and I was running off of those.  Rather than sit down and talk things over with her, I was basing my thoughts off of comments made nearly four years ago when we first became a couple.

I had thought there was a large gap in our levels of “kinkiness” for lack of a better term.  I know she likes sex and wanted it, but frankly, it has been very vanilla for a long time.  Vanilla is good.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  But, when it is the same flavor over and over again, it gets a little boring.

We had been stuck in that situation for quite a while.  The frequency of sex was maybe once a month or so.  This frustration led me to some of the bad decisions I made that are detailed in prior posts.  I know she was not all that happy with the situation, either.

So, instead of talking about it like adults, we both stuffed it away and let it fester.  I was too embarrassed and ashamed to approach her and she was afraid of upsetting me.  We were at a stalemate.  That all changed this past weekend.

I had been discussing these issues with a friend of mine, and she encouraged me to sit down and talk things out.  Even better, write them out in a letter and hand them to my SO.  I tend to do better when I write things out than if I’m communicating off the cuff.  So, that was my plan.  It was originally going to have to wait until after the weekend because my mom was supposed to be coming for a weekend visit, and I did not want there to be any weird vibes in the house should the talk go south.

On Friday I received a text from my mom letting me know that she would not be coming over this weekend.  I was both relieved and nervous at that point.  Relieved because although I love my mom, a weekend with her can be a bit stressful.  Nervous because I knew that I no longer had an excuse to put off the talk.

I was stressing over when and how to do this.  I was stressing over nothing.  The perfect opportunity presented itself.  I was bent over spanking the cat (don’t ask, although I will say she loves it), and my SO came up behind me and started thrusting into my upturned ass.  I played along with something like “Ooh, baby, pound that ass.  Make it feel so good.”

She stopped and asked if that was something that I really wanted.  I said it was.  It made her pause and then she admitted she was not sure if that was something she could just yet.  Then she asked why hadn’t I said anything.  I explained that I was nervous and not sure how she would react.

This turned into a wonderful conversation about what we both wanted from our sex life.  I told her of my panty fetish, and she was totally cool with that.  In fact, she picked out a couple pairs of her’s for me to wear this weekend.  That went better than I ever could have expected.  Again, she wondered why I had never said anything.  I told her that based on comments she made a few years ago that I did not think that it would be received very well.

We went into discussing other things.  I expressed a desire for a group situation, whether that be a threesome or foursome, and she was not sure she could ever do that.  She does not want to share me with others and she did not think that she could be with another guy, even with me there.

Some of her fantasies that weren’t being met were rough sex and a bit of public exhibitionism with us having sex on our screened in porch overlooking a lake.  Boaters frequent the lake, so on the weekends, there is usually a steady stream of traffic going by.  It’s not easy to see up on our porch, but it is not all that difficult, either.  If we were making enough of a ruckus, people could look up and see us going at it.  The thought of that is very arousing.

So, what is next?  Good question.  I’m planning on wearing women’s underwear on a much more regular basis.  We are going to incorporate some of her desires into our sex life by being more adventurous around the house and porch.  I think we will be doing some toy shopping for things like handcuffs, butt plugs, and vibrators.  That’s the immediate future.

Beyond that, I’d like to gently nudge her towards things like pounding my ass with a strap on and having sex in front of people.  I’m not going to lie.  I do want to have the group experience, so I’m hoping that maybe by having sex in front of others, it will free her inhibitions a little bit and maybe something will happen.  But, I will never force her into anything which she absolutely does not want to do.

She did express that she was hurt that I did not trust her enough to share things with her.  I apologized and said that it was as much as I couldn’t trust myself as it was that I did not trust her.  I was scared that she would run if I let these desires be known.  She said that she could understand that, but that we’ve been together for nearly four years now, and that little I could say would upset her to the point of running away.

So, readers, a bit of advice.  Talk to your loved ones about your desires.  It may not be easy and it may lead to some hurt feelings.  But, in the long run, it is important to let them know what you want and vice versa.  Don’t do stupid things like I’ve done in the past and keep these things hidden.  You never know what you might get in return if you do bring them up.

Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll see you next time.


6 thoughts on “Idiocy

  1. Communication, communication, communication! Important in any relationship, even more so in this new direction!
    Good for you for talking, now remember to keep those lines open. You’d be surprised how quickly bad habits creep back in. My advice is be diligent! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, and you are absolutely right! We’ve already had one or two talks about the subjects of this post since the first big talk. The more we talk, the better it will be. As much as I want everything to happen immediately, I know it will take time. I’m ok with that if it means that everyone is happy and gets what they need.


      1. That’s a VERY good point actually! Everyone wants to ‘run’ when getting into this and it almost always ends in a big fall onto our rears! LoL

        You might not want to go slow but believe it is the best way. The ‘high’ will wear off and then the real work starts. Good Luck! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is great news sweetheart! Communication is great. honest, open, thoughtful communication is even better.
    And as you are writing it out and considering it carefully, finding balance, I think you are winning here xx

    Liked by 1 person

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