I’m taking on a slightly more serious subject today with this post. Don’t worry…I’ll be back to writing erotica in no time. Seriously, though, this is something that I’ve been thinking about for the past few days and I just wanted to share some thoughts about it.
I have thought about writing this post for awhile now, but have avoided it because the thought of this part of my life brings a fair amount of anger and bitterness to the surface for me. But, I feel as if I’m in a good place today so now is as good as an other time to jump in and go for it.
I’m sure that you have heard the term sex addiction thanks to celebrities such as Tiger Woods or David Duchovny. It’s a somewhat controversial topic as there are many out there who think it is merely a crutch or an excuse for people to indulge in bad behavior. Others think it is a true disease much like alcoholism or drug abuse. What do I think? I honestly go back and forth between the two sides. I’m not sure that either is true or false, but much like most of life, it falls somewhere in between.
The point of this post is not to disparage anyone who thinks they have an issue with addiction of any sort. This is more of a personal recollection and a way for me to relate my own experiences with the world of sex addiction.
If you have spent any time on my blog, you’ll see that sex is a frequent topic of discussion. Some of it is fantasy writing, but much of it contains some grain of truth if not being entirely true. I think I’ve made it clear which stuff is a recollection of an actual event. I have had a fair amount of sexual experience. I don’t say this to boast, but more to set some sort of reference for what is to follow.
Okay, enough blathering…let’s get on with it. If you have read previous posts, you know that my interest in sex and all that goes with it started early on in life and was a frequent topic of thought. It’s been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember. I enjoyed (and still enjoy) porn in all of its forms. At times I might be a little too engrossed in it, but other times I’d go a while without indulging. Same went for masturbation and actual sex. I never thought I had a problem with it.
I made some bad decisions in relation to my relationships by cheating on them. I don’t know that if that is a sign of addiction taken by itself. It might be. I know that I made all sorts of excuses and rationalizations to try and brush them off, but the fact remains that it happened.
Where am I going with all of this? Things kind of came to a head in my relationship with my second wife. I think I mentioned before that this marriage probably should have never happened. There were trust issues from the start and very differing views on what was and was not fair in a relationship. Bottom line is that my looking at porn, chatting with other women (this was troublesome, I will admit), looking at other women, masturbation, etc. were points of contention between us.
It lead to many arguments and even some physical violence (her towards me). I would lie and hide things for fear of a fight and even if I told the truth I was not believed. Regardless, it led to doing some research and discovering sex addiction and the accompanying 12-step programs that exist to help combat it.
So, I went. Over the next several years I would attend various groups like Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) for help. At first I was eager and wanted to buy into it. As time went on, though, I became frustrated because I felt like I did not have a problem. I know…that’s denial talking.
I also had issue with the teachings of SA. No sex outside of a marriage. Period. That meant no sex with a partner of the opposite sex with whom you were in a long term committed relationship, no sex with a partner of a same sex relationship (this was before same sex marriage became legal…I’m not sure what their stance is now), and no masturbation.
I guess I understand where they are coming from, but at the same time even as I sat there and agreed to this in the meetings, I felt vaguely uncomfortable with it all. To me, it seemed unrealistic and unfair in many ways. It also felt discriminatory towards gay and lesbian individuals. In my mind, SA as a whole saw their relationships as improper and immoral. But, that is a rant for another day.
SAA was a little bit better in that it was up to the individual and their sponsor to determine what their limits were. So, for one person it may include the same parameters as SA, but masturbation for someone else might be okay.
Eventually, though, I became fed up with the entire scene and stopped going. My ex and I were able to work through things and get back on an even keel. Things were going well and we envisioned that the marriage would last after all.
Then, I got a little stupid. We attended a Christmas party in 2011, and I had a little too much to drink. A woman at the party accidentally bumped into me (she was pretty wasted herself), and caressed my hand and arm as an apology. Stupid me decided it would be a good idea to flirt with her for the rest of the night, so I did. Nothing happened at the party, although I think I made a bit of an ass of myself in front of my step-kids (both adults at this point), but I think it all turned out to be a no harm/no foul type of situation, and it would have stayed that way if hadn’t been for the next set of decisions.
Thanks to Facebook, we started chatting. New Year’s Day I decided to make up a story and drop by her place to “hang out.” I went over there and hung out. We also made out a little bit, but that’s as far as it got. My wife sensed something was up when I acted like a fool on a phone call with her while I was in this woman’s living room. Shit hit the fan, basically.
Long story short, my wife told my mom and they set up a bit of an intervention because that sex addict label came up again. I agreed to go to an intensive weekend workshop in California for this sort of behavior and to work on the marriage.
I went to the workshop and came back a “changed man.” I had bought into what they were teaching. It was religiously based, and it made me question some of my beliefs. I wanted to be “whole” and “normal” and married. I was committed and worked my ass off to make things right. I did everything asked of me, and it did not matter one bit.
My wife, feeling wronged (rightfully so to a degree), decided she needed some variety and started fucking around on me. This was a pattern that had gone on in our relationship since day one. It was okay for her to do this, but not me. Sorry, I’m letting the anger and bitterness sneak in here.
She would go hot and cold on me in terms of what she wanted in our relationship. We never seemed to be on the same page with what we wanted. When I wanted the relationship, she didn’t and vice versa.
Ironically at one point, when I no longer wanted the relationship, I asked out an attractive, older co-worker of mine who had displayed an interest in me on a date. She accepted and I had made mention of it to my soon to be ex, and she freaked out and made me call the co-worker to let her know that we were “working” on things. To top it all off, my ex called the co-worker the next day and had a long conversation with her. Said co-worker encouraged the ex to work on things with me so we could stay together.
The co-worker was rightfully very pissed at me and I wound up writing her a letter of apology (on my own accord) and basically steered clear of her for the next couple of years the best I could.
By this point, I had really had enough of this back and forth bullshit and essentially pulled the plug on both the relationship and the “recovery” efforts. I felt like I had wasted my time trying to get better when it did not matter one bit.
And that’s basically my attitude towards that these days. I don’t feel as if I am “powerless” over my sexual urges. I’m not constantly looking at porn, or chasing women, or sneaking into the bathroom at work to masturbate. I do occasionally look at porn, I do occasionally flirt with women online and in real life, and I do occasionally masturbate (at home). My life is not out of control. Do I want to have a more adventurous sex life? Yes, I do. And I’m taking steps towards that thanks to the magic of communication. Will it be everything I hope and desire? Maybe, but probably not. Nothing in life is like that, though.
I have no doubt that some people are so wrapped up in an addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs, food, porn, or something else. It is a problem for some. I don’t feel that it is a problem for me. That may be denial speaking, but I don’t think it is. I hold fast to the if it feels good, do it philosophy with the addendum of as long as it is all consensual. I know others may look at my life and think I’m crazy in denial and I have a serious problem. That’s their opinion and they are entitled to it. I’m happy with where I am.
Okay, I’ve rambled long enough today, so I’m wrapping this up. Thanks as always for reading, and I’ll see you next time.
Oh, one last thing. That co-worker I mentioned above? I live with her now. The fact that she put up with that shit show six years ago and is with me know should have been the first sign that she was willing to listen to my various desires. I can be as dumb of box of rocks sometimes.
Thanks for putting up with me (her and all of you)!