Like the title says, darkness has kind of descended upon me once again.  This weekend was not a fun one, despite having the extra day off for the holiday.  Saturday was okay, mostly because my son had come home Friday night.  He did make the decision to jump from the Marine option to Army ROTC, and he was feeling a load of relief due to that decision.  I’m happy for him, and I think he will excel.

He went back to school Saturday night, and Sunday was spent just hanging around the house.  The weather this weekend was not great.  It rained most of the time, and in the brief breaks without rain, it still threatened and was very muggy outside.  Not that I really wanted to be out anyway.  I did get the reading for the first week of my classes completed, so that was something.

Yesterday (Monday), though, was a mess.  I’m really questioning most everything about my life at this point.  My SO and I had a discussion.  I don’t know what to call it, exactly.  It wasn’t a fight, but it wasn’t anything all that pleasant, either.  We are two very different people with very different interests.  At our cores, we are fairly similar, I guess.  But she would much rather be outside working in the yard and garden, while I’d rather be reading or writing.

We both acknowledged this yesterday.  I got short with her when she brought up something that needed to be done around the house.  I had no reason to, and she was merely stating a fact.  It wasn’t something that needed to get done right that second, but rather something that had been on the list of things to do for quite some time.  I just did not want to hear about it at that moment, and I said something along the lines of, “I know, I know, I know.”

Another point of contention is that she is someone who really needs conversation.  She’s also a talker.  I’m the opposite.  Conversation is fine, but not constantly.  And I rarely speak more than a couple of words at a time to most people.  It’s probably why I’m the loner that I am.  Quite honestly, it is a challenge for me when she gets home from work and she launches into her day.  I know she needs to do this, and I try to be patient, but I don’t always listen.  My mind will wander.  I feel guilty over that and like a bit of an asshole.

She wants us to seek out couples counseling to see if that will help.  I’m willing to do that, but I don’t know how much it will help.  She also wants to make some friends of her own, and I’m totally on board with that.  She expressed concern as to whether or not I would like them.  I told her it really did not matter.  I think she sees it as all of us doing things together, and I’d rather not.  At least not on any sort of regular basis.

I think this is where the age difference comes into play as well.  With her being that much older than me, our interests do differ as will the people we would want to be around.  I know she is going off of past experience with her ex-husband and she does not want to repeat it.  I guess I feel as if I am the one responsible for her entertainment.  To a degree, we are each responsible for that, but there should be other outlets as well.  I just tend to get lost in the online world or my books.  She doesn’t have that, and she needs it.

I just don’t know what to do.  We did have the panty conversation and that went well as did me telling her some of the things I wanted in the bedroom.  The problem is that the relationship extends outside of that room, too.  I don’t know what I want, and it is hard to express that.

I love where we live, but not the upkeep of the house.  I feel like I am overextended between work, school, Lions Club, and other odd things I have going on here and there.  I’ve seriously considered dumping all of that extraneous stuff and just concentrate on being me.  But, I don’t know if that is the right answer, either.

The bottom line is that I will work through it like I always do.  I hope that some sunshine will come out of this cloud.

Thanks as always for reading.  See you next time.

2 thoughts on “Darkness

  1. It sounds like you are an introvert and she, an extrovert, your needs are very different from each other’s but that doesn’t mean it can’t work out. You just need to find some understanding of each other and then work towards common ground.

    The one thing I did question, If I might? Does your online and book time make up more of your energy than ‘her’ time? If so, she is likely not feeling like a priority and hence feeling like she needs to explain and talk about every second, just to keep your attention for a little while. Just to feel of some importance to you.

    I know it’s easy to get lost for hours online but it’s important to prioritize as well. If she is important to you, make time for that. It doesn’t need to be huge amounts of time but just time set aside just for her, specifically. It may help with the strength of the relationship and then allow her to go out and get her ‘extrovert’ energy with other friends without feeling like she’s losing you.

    I hope this makes some sense, and I hope it doesn’t come off as over stepping. I’m just sharing what I have found in my own experiences. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You aren’t overstepping at all! Thank you for your input. I do appreciate it.

      I will be the first to admit that I spend way more time than I should with my nose in my phone at home, and that is something I’m actively trying to cut back so I can be more attentive.

      I typically do my reading while in bed before shutting off the lights to go to sleep. If it is class related reading, then I do that in my little home office. She understands that I need to do that when I can.

      I would love it if she were to get her ‘extrovert’ energy from friends. The current issue is that she really doesn’t have any, so that makes things a bit more difficult. I’ve encouraged her to get out and do things without me, not because I don’t want to, but because it would be good for her to do so.

      It’s more complex than it probably should be, but we both have a tendency to make things more complicated than they need to be.

      Thanks so much for reading and for sharing. I appreciate it!


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