I’m not talking about the amusement park kind, which I love, even if this body can’t quite take it like it used to. No, I’m talking about the emotional kind. Where the highs are high, and the jump from high to low goes so fast it’ll make your head spin and stomach drop.

It feels like that is what I’ve been going through as of late.  Fortunately, the lows are mostly temporary at this point and don’t stick around for long, but they are there.  It makes my mood a bit unpredictable, which stinks but it’s mostly just messing with me and not others.

What’s causing all this?  Good question.  I can pinpoint the highs.  Oh, those sweet, sweet highs that can only be brought on by a handful of things.  I’m reluctant to go into too much detail about it at the moment, though.  Yes, I know this is an anonymous blog, but I don’t want to jinx things.  Let’s just say the potential for something amazing in my life is there.  Knowing my track record, I’m going to do the best I can to not fuck it up.

Okay, the highs have been covered.  On to the lows.  The one low that has me going right now is lack of sleep.  My job requires me to be on call once every 10 weeks or so.  That means I’m the guy that gets the phone call from issues between 7 pm and 7 am and all day Saturday and Sunday.  Most of the time the workload is fairly light with maybe fewer than three or four calls the entire week.  Other weeks, it’s pretty intense with more than ten.

So, I am on call this week from Monday through Monday.  I generally don’t sleep as well during these weeks out of fear that I will miss a call.  Never mind the fact that my cell phone is about a foot from my head with the ringer turned on full blast.  Also, I’ve never missed a call that has come through.  Ok, that’s not entirely true.  I have missed a couple, but I responded to the corresponding voice mail within minutes of seeing it.  But, I don’t believe I’ve ever missed a call in the middle of the night.

My last rotation was in late July, and I think that all of the calls I received woke me up.  This week is off to a similar start.  I was woken up a little before two in the morning.  It was an issue that I really could not fix for one, and the other challenge was it was one of our international employees.  I thought things had been resolved on that call, went back to bed, and the user called me directly not more than 15 minutes after I had settled back in.  I made another attempt at things, but again, the issue fixed itself.  Great.  At this point it was probably about 2:45.  My alarm is set for 4:45.

Just as I was dozing off, the phone rang again.  I’m pretty sure I let out a good “FUCK” loud enough to wake the deer sleeping in the woods outside the house.  Okay, maybe not, but my thought was loud enough.  This issue turned out to be something I could help with, so I did and I thought, “great…I can probably get an hour and half sleep in and not be a total zombie.”

Nope.  Not more than five minutes later, I get a call directly from the guy I helped just moments before (Our after hours calls get routed through our 24 hour reception and triaged accordingly.  It’s rare to get a phone call directly from the user.) and he wants help connecting to his computer at work.  It’s a laptop and he’s on call this week himself.  It took every last fiber of my being to not call him a fuckstick over the phone.  If you are on call and you have a laptop…TAKE THE FUCKING LAPTOP HOME WITH YOU.  He was trying to get me to go into the office to check and see if it were on.  A couple of problems with that scenario.  One, it was 3:15ish in the morning, and two, I live 45 minutes away from work.  If he was going to push the issue, I’d tell him that it would be at least an hour because I would shower and just go into the office to start the day.  Fortunately, we settled on a workaround.

At this point, I had about an hour before I had to get up.  I think I did doze a little bit, but I felt like I was awake the whole time.  I did have some pleasant thoughts running through my head, so that was nice.  Anyway, I’m tired today and it is messing with my mood a little bit.

Also contributing to my mood is the fact that my SO was gone for about a week and got back on Sunday.  Normally, one would miss their SO and be glad for when they get back, but I really enjoyed the solitude and was kind of dreading Sunday.  This sounds bad, and maybe it is an indication of where my head is with this relationship.

Both Sunday and yesterday (Monday) were kind of tense once she got home.  I know she is dealing with her own set of issues as it relates to her family out of state.  I think that was some of it.  She was tired and stressed and hasn’t gotten decent rest since she’s been home.  My phone going off a handful of times in the early morning hours didn’t help, either.  Maybe we will settle back into our patterns, maybe we won’t.

To compound things, I leave on vacation in less than two weeks.  The anxiety and stress I felt over this trip is gone now and has been replaced with pure excitement like a kid on Christmas Eve anxiously awaiting Santa’s arrival.  However, I’m not sure how she will be throughout.  Because of the time difference and the logistical issues, I would imagine communication between us will be sparse.  I worry a little about her well being, but I do think she will be okay.  She does have a trip in the middle of it all back to see family for a weekend, but other than that, she will be home alone.

She lived alone, or mostly alone for years, so perhaps my concern shouldn’t be so great.  But, we will see.  Part of me worries a little that I’ll enjoy being away from home for that long a little too much.  Again, I’ll deal with that when and if those feelings arise.

So, that’s the way things have been for me lately.  I hope to get one or two more posts up prior to leaving on my trip.  I don’t know if I’ll post while I’m gone, but I am planning on writing the up the trip in a bit of a travel blog type format once I’m back and have had a chance to digest the experience.  If nothing else, be on the lookout for that.

As always, thanks for reading, and I’ll see you here next time.

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